Monday, January 4, 2016

When I queried myself how to be exultant?

Someone’s Queen,

I don’t know why I remembered you today just like I recollect you very single twilight from years. I have no idea on what I’m thinking recently. I feel have lost sharpness towards life, passion towards success, disturbed from core & no grit. Do you know something? I always kept your goals as my bench marks, your intentions were my ambitions & I lived for it. May be this is my secret of little success & being something productive. And now I’m just an archer with no aim!!

 I stopped writing to you few years back because I felt my insanity may hurt others. The time elapsed, there was some betterment, actual good & some of my calculated risks were fruitful. The vagrant started making his own bread & butter & turned barter to coinage!! You motivated me to roam many parts of my country and borders, live in others shoes, running towards enormous knowledge, varied practical experiences & many more. Your stimulus made me cross my confines & raise to reach for more.

You know, I’m a fragile soul. I want to shut the door & sit alone in an armistice for weeks avoiding all social contacts, networking, Office & write a book which I started long back. But I am in no position for that state. Nineteen hours of my day is not sufficient to expand myself to grander golly & no instant inkling too. Sometimes I feel like I’m no one in this world just like everyone else. I don’t know what I’m searching for or what it is. I’m always surrounded by people & still I feel my solitude.
 
May be I am wrong!! I thought I’m going lazy these days. I’m letting others to win over me without much effort. I was a pacific person & now anger is getting into my head. I’m getting outraged when a car in front of me blinks right indicator & turns left. I’m annoyed on social system, some film star, politician, traffic, people around, friends, clients, mobile network, slow internet, electricity & the list grows. I would have ended many arguments more peacefully letting things go & I felt tiny remorse later. A little more ‘ego’ is letting me down to abyss. I have been misunderstood by people many times though my intention was good. It’s too difficult for me to digest others stupidities these days & I have turned myself a fool by quarreling with them.

I’m not enjoying long rides anymore. Being a born nomad I’m not excited about travelling, resorts, fancy restaurants, pubs, clubs, luxury spirits, distinctive cuisines & Pizzas!! Holidays, festivals, parties, cloths, shopping, concerts, movies, TV, music is getting jaded.  Nowadays I have done these things forcefully for the sake of others. I have almost lost concerns on stuffs I valued most since the beginning. I’m still trying to establish something from my research thesis & I hope I’ll get succeed!! 


I believe in change which always hurts. I have always chosen the difficult task to explore & try to find solution with easy ‘modus operandi’. I love challenging environment which can keep my mind engaged & teach how to magnify myself more! I have to be exultant now on. My own analysis suggested that i'm Irrational & i don't have any answers. I should try new things which I haven’t tried now. I have to involve more in physical activities like sports, gym, dance, running or anything which keeps me healthy & sound minded.This is my big year!! I have to accomplish many projects, livelihood plans & very 2016 designs I have dreamed from 10 years!! I know you’ll accompany me no more & I’m on my own against this wild world!! I’ll try to be more people friendly!! Hope is my only option!! I have to do it or perish… & let the war begins!!

Everlasting Nonentity…
Suri