I Thought Time Would Change This!

Hello my Moonlight,

It’s been a while.

I don’t know how you are, and I don’t even know if I should be asking this anymore. But some things don’t really change, I guess. So I’ll still ask, like I always do… how are you?

I’ve been noticing something about myself lately. I’ve been getting emotional more often than I used to. Not in a way that I can explain easily, just small moments, small triggers, and suddenly my mind goes somewhere else.

And the first place it always goes to is you.

I don’t know what this is. I sometimes feel like I still live somewhere around you, not in your life, but around your presence, your memory, your space. It sounds strange even as I write it, but that’s exactly how it feels.

I don’t think you will ever read this. Still, I keep writing to you like this. Maybe it’s a habit I never grew out of. Maybe it’s my way of talking to you without actually disturbing your life. Or maybe there is something wrong with me that I haven’t understood yet.

My mind keeps going back to all those what ifs.

What if things had been different with us. What if we had thought a little more clearly at the right time. What if we had just held on a little longer instead of letting things slip the way they did.

Sometimes I sit and convince myself that whatever happened was probably for the good. That maybe we were not meant to go further than we did. That maybe life did what we couldn’t.

But that thought never stays for long.

The very next moment I start missing you again. Not casually, not like remembering an old friend, but in a way that feels personal, deep, and still very present.

I really wish things had been better between us. Not perfect, just better. I wish we had understood each other at the right time. I wish I had been in a place where I could have made things work.

Sometimes I even think about how it would have been if I was with you now. That thought comes and goes, but when it comes, it stays for a while.

There is something else too that has been affecting me, but I don’t think I can put that into words yet. I don’t fully understand it myself, so maybe I’ll leave it for another time.

And then there is this third thing that has been sitting heavily on my mind.

The partition of India in 1947.

I’ve been reading a lot about it. Not just reading, but actually listening to people who have seen it, or whose families went through it. The kind of things they describe, the kind of loss they carry, it’s difficult to process.

People lost everything in a matter of days. Homes they grew up in, families they thought would always be there, a sense of belonging that just disappeared overnight.

Whenever I hear these stories, I don’t feel like I’m just listening to history. I feel like I’m somewhere inside those moments, watching everything fall apart.

And I don’t know why, but somewhere in all that, I relate it back to you.

Losing you doesn’t feel like a small loss to me. It feels bigger than what I can explain properly. It feels like something that changed a part of me in a way that never really went back to what it was before.

I know it’s not the same. I know I shouldn’t even compare the two. But emotions don’t really follow rules or logic.

This is just how it feels to me.

I don’t know if any of this makes sense. I’m not even trying to make it perfect. I just felt like writing it down, the way it came to me.

Like I always do.

Take care.

- S